


so full of artless jealousy

by talkingtothesky



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Introspection, M/M, Season/Series 03, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 01:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11094519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talkingtothesky/pseuds/talkingtothesky
Summary: Harold spends the next few months after Italy convinced that John is going to up and leave again at any moment.





	so full of artless jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> Pretentious title is a quote from _Hamlet_.

Harold spends the next few months after Italy convinced that John is going to up and leave again at any moment. 

He makes such a fuss of John’s new suits because it makes him feel generous, even kind, instead of the vast gnawing sinkhole of guilt that threatens to swallow his insides.

 _Help me to save people_ , he had once asked of a man who didn’t want to save himself.

And now John’s best friend is dead. A brilliant, vibrant woman has lost her life and her young son will have to spend the rest of his days without a mother.

Because of Harold. His Machine. His cause. The one he’d scoffed at Nathan for daring to dream up in the first place.  _What, you and me sitting here, trying to rescue them one at a time?_

He hadn’t believed in it himself, at first. Until he’d had to. Until he had nothing else to live for. Then he’d taken his dead best friend’s borrowed conscience and built a purpose from it. He’d handed it out, piece by piece, the inner circle widening. He’d asked them to believe in it, and they had. Devoted their whole lives to it. For a while, John had believed in _him_. It was more than he deserved. 

All that is gone now. 

What’s left is a vain old man. A bored rich guy, in John’s words. Trying hard to be unflappable, to be a leader, to be the moral compass they expect.

He needs Nathan to tell him what is right, but he’s not here.

He needs Grace to tell him he’s not a bad person, even though that too would be a lie.

He needs John to look at him with love, instead of distance. John merely tolerates him now. John’s playful teasing is reserved for Shaw. Any day now he may get a better offer, a better job, from someone like Logan Pierce or otherwise. When that happens, Harold will not stop him, but it will be the end of Harold Finch.

(What is the point of second chances when the repeat produces the same results as the original?)

When Harold leaves after the incident with the congressman, it’s not his wayward Machine that he is running from. It is himself.


End file.
